Hot! Old Red Struggles In 7th Outing

Viewer discretion is advised for the following photo’s (no photo’s of Old Red’s undercarriage were permitted)

Down and Out In Middleton

Looking Green


The Post Mow Carnage -Grass Clippings litter the backyard at 6950


Seemingly a mower blade away from shattering the all-time mow record at the start of the season, Old Red, the 27 year old former self-propelled 2 cycle Toro mower, now converted to a push mower, must now wonder how much he really has left in the tank after a horrible outing early Friday evening in Middleton.

Needing just twenty-two more mows to tie the all-time mow record held by Hammerin’ Hank Toro (993) Old Red appeared sluggish from start to finish in his seventh start of the 2012 season. Looking much older than his 27 years , Old Red was caught pausing several times during a thirty-five minute embarrassment on Friday, wheels idling on the lawn, during a mow that usually clocks in at twenty minutes. That’s nearly TWICE the time it normally takes to finish the job. What happened?

Muttering in low syllables and sipping from a bottle of G2, Old Red was at a loss for words in his post mow press conference. “No excuses really, but you have to understand the conditions weren’t the greatest either, and it wouldn’t suprise me if our illustrious owner wasn’t juicing the turf. As he would say, (long pause) ‘And For What.'”.

Old Red was referring to a longer than usual blade height, a result of heavy rain and warmer temperatures the last two days in southern Wisconsin. The turf at 6950 Apprentice was still moist and the tops of the blades neared 5 inches, an uncomfortable, and potentially dangerous combination for a mower such as Old Red.

Old Red, clearly exhausted, and covered in a thick green layer of wet grass, was finally and mercifully removed from the podium by several handlers, allegedly hurling obscenities in the genereal direction of Pat Heffling, the owner, seated next to him on the stage.

Heffling answered questions next, having to almost yell his answers above the clamor of camera shutters and dozens of reporters straining to get a straight answer.

“He’s right, there are no excuses. It’s been a crazy Spring and now it appears maybe an even crazier Summer lies ahead. Remember, he’s the one that claimed he didn’t need a tune-up, that the Mojitos in Punta Cana tasted better than the engine oil, that the blades from last year were going to be just fine this year. A lot of these problems are staring right back at him in the garage mirror right now. Let him go cool off on his little carpeted corner of the garage and we’ll see what he has to say come Wednesday, because regardless of the conditions, he’s gonna have to cut the grass either way. I’m taking a vacation and won’t be back until Monday. So someone needs to suck it up, and I don’t mean all the clumps of grass I had to hose off him either.”

What about the allegations of juicing the grass to make it grow faster, thus yielding more mows? “Complete nonsense. Hey, my guys from Maple Leaf haven’t even put down the first application of my annual contract yet. Look at him, he can hardly roll, he’s a littel delusional right now. He just needs rest and more fluids. And a better attitude.”

All this drama and yet Old Red now just needs twenty-two mows to e-CLIP-se the record. If these growing conditions persist, that record just might fall in early July, maybe around the the 4th of July. And that would just be the kind of spectacle the networks are hoping for, as the global coverage of Old Red’s quest for the all-time mows record begins to gain more and more MOW-mentum each day.

-Scotty Green filed this report



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