Hot! Old Red Abandoned, Unclaimed

Old Red, left outside his owner's garage overnight, remains unclaimed on waivers.

Perhaps as a result of a disastrous summer for mowing, and since all the pre season hype surrounding Old Red has crumbled into a patch of blighted grass, Old Red was left outside his owners garage last Sunday evening, abandoned, an orphan for the taking. Adding insult to injury, no one claimed the 27 year old mower, who, having logged 23 controversial mows this season, lies just five mows away from tying the all-time mark of 993 mows held by Hammerin’ Hank Toro.

In what was supposed to have been a memorable, historic season for mowing, and what appeared to be a cakewalk for the record after an early, hot and humid spring, disappoint reigns. Everything has fallen completely flat, like a dull mower blade gnawing away at withered, lifeless grass.

A severe drought that lingered over southern Wisconsin for much of June, July and August, has rendered any attempt at the mowing milesone all but useless. The lawn at 6950 Apprtentice Place is a shadow of its former self, needing a seeding application this week to save portions of the front and side terrrace. The back yard is better, but in no way requires cutting more than once every two weeks.

Maybe that is why Old Red was left outside his owners garage after his mow on Sunday, August 26th, after mow number 987. Nearly choking to death on dust and dead grass, Old Red was subjected to another questionable mow by his owner, Pat Heffling, who has come under sharp criticism for racking up several mows this year that most officials have deemd unnecessary.

Heffling was unavailable for comment, issuing a statement only thorugh his agent regarding the matter, “Old Red has mowed at a high level for a long time, but it is obvious to me and anyone who knows him that his off-lawn activities are beginning to take a toll on his performance. I put him on waivers because it’s apparent he no longer enjoys mowing for me or this lawn, unfortunately, no one claimed him so we’ll have to see what transpires over the rest of what is left of this pathetic mowing season. In the meantime I will continue to suffer along with the rest of the football fans in Wisconsin, listening to the disappointing exploits of the Badgers and Packers as they continue to stink up the 2012 season. My focus is no longer on Old Red and the all-time record, it’s apparent he is probably done mowing this year anyway due to the terrible grass growing conditions. Only a severe change in the weather pattern can save him now”.

So there you have it mowing fans, Old Red is stalled with 988 mows under his drive belt so far in 2012, his only hope being a lot of precipitation combined with sunshine over the next four to six weeks, otherwise the coveted mark of 993 mows will still remain out of reach. His owner has lost focus on the lawn, resorting to slit seeding in order to save sections of it going into 2013. Thus, it is quite possible that Old Red has cut his last yard, that being on Tuesday, September 4th, 2012. Unclaimed on waivers, it remains mystery as to the future of Old Red as one of the few remaing 2 cycle mowers on the planet. His loud roar will surely be missed, but not by neighbor Bill Schrum.

And For What

Leave a Reply