Hot! Controversial Mow Ends 2012 Season

Old Red finishes the 2012 season with just 25* mows, 2 shy of the all-time record.

By Scotty Green (Mowing Weekly)

Old Red, the legendary 27 year old, 2-cycle, Toro, self-propelled turned push mower, fell just two mows shy of tying the all-time mowing mark held by Hammerin’ Hank Toro, after his 25th, and final, mow of the 2012 season Wednesday night.

Old Red finished 2012 with a paltry 25 mows, due mostly to a severe drought in mid- June that lasted through July and into August in south central Wisconsin. Initially an early Spring had Old Red’s owner, Pat Heffling, drooling in anticipation of shattering the all-time mowing record with his aging mower. Major news networks and ESPN had assigned daily coverage after unseasonably early cuttings in March appeared to signal a record breaking celebration. The drought ended all that, and added to a series of controversial mows that have analysts and historians questioning the credibilty of even the 25 mows logged this past season.

International Mowing Commissioner, F. Scott Turfbuilder, issued a statement after Heffling called in the last mow on Wednesday, in unusually warm 78 degree weather:

“Several witnesses and reporters have come forth with information that details several unnecessary cuttings in July and August when there was, little, if any, grass that needed to be cut. Additionally, last night’s mow, with several square footage of leaves still on the ground, may technically be considered a mulching, versus a mow, and it is also debatable whether or not the actual length of the grass even justified a cutting. Finally, Heffling’s lawn, (although admittedly), has shown signs of recovery, is not at 100%, and International Mowing rules require that any official mows must be with a lawn that is at least at 95% grass blade capacity. Therefore, it is the opinion of this committee that all 25 mows by Old Red in 2012 will be subject to review, and an official number, to be counted toward the all-time mark, is therefore also under review until further notice.”

Old Red, unavailable for comment, was last seen being wheeled into the garage at 6950 Apprentice Place, his chassis, blown free of the chewed leaves that had littered his body earlier. Several empty aluminum pints of Coors Light lay strewn about his holding area, a few ounces of gasoline left in his tank, spark plug detached.

His owner also declined comment, only issuing a statement through his attorney that travel arrangements were being arranged for Old Red to a remote island destination for his customary winter retreat. It was also disclosed through sources close to this reporter that the air travel ticket for Old Red was one way only.

For the record, Old Red finished the controversial 2012 season with 25 mows*, leaving him with 991* career mows, two shy of the all-time record of 993 held by Hammerin’ Hank Toro.

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