Hot! Cinco De Mow-yo

Cinco De Mow-yo, Old Red takes to the grass for his 28th Season

Finally, six weeks after starting on the first test pull, Old Red gets the go ahead today to cut his first grass of the 2013 season. Allegedly needing only three more mows to shatter the all-time mowing record held by Hammerin’ Hank Toro, Old Red will fire up at 11am today, Sunday, May 5th.

A prolonged winter that follwed a record drought in 2012 has resulted in uneven mowing conditions at best here in the Midwest. There are wide discrepancies in grass blade lengths throughout the lawn at 6950 Apprentice Place, Old Red’s home turf. This could be a problem for the aging mower, as his owner is prone to overworking the battered Toro red 2-cycler early in the season.

Officials at the USMA (United Staes Mowing Association) are carefully reviewing the details of each and every mow in Old Red’s illustrious carreer, to insure any official record breaking ceremony is legit.

Controversy also swirls around the alleged performance enhancing drug allegations lobbed at Old Red, dating back to theh late ’80’s. Add to that a long list of off season escapades, including legendary drinking marathons in Punta Cana, and it seems wherever Old Red mows he can’t escape the shadow of criticism.

“He’s learned to accept the insults and the abuse, he’s numb to it now”, commented his owner, Pat Hefling, continuing, “He’s always been the work hard play hard type, so we’ve learned to incorporate the good with the bad, so to speak. With each blade of grass that falls from his blades the legend grows, just as the grass does each and every year. The turf will always be there for him to cut, it’s just a matter of how much longer he wants to cut it.”

Heffling also reported Old Red shrugged off another pre-season tune up, although he did accept the invitation to have his blades sharpened after a two year hiatus.

With temperatures expected in the low 70’s today, with mild north easterly winds at 3-5mph, the conditions are ideal for Old Red’s first mow of 2013.

He won’t be the first one out of the garage though, an unruly neighbor fired up his pathetic grass catching electric mower at the totally unacceptable hour of 9am already today, trying, obviously, to steal Old Red’s Thunder. But as another neighbor, Bill Schrum, will tell you, there is no thunder quite like the roar of Old Red coming back to life each and every summer. Listen for him today. First pull at 11am.

Happy Cinco De Mow-yo everybody.

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